


When We're Together

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, Episode: s16e16 December Solstice, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 11:45:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6373465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I've never been one to argue about you wearing my clothes.” Trevor said.  “Or taking them off, for that matter.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	When We're Together

Rafael’s bare feet walked across the plush carpet. Trevor was sitting on the couch, concentrating on his laptop. He didn’t want to disturb him but felt the urge to talk. They hadn’t done that much in the past few days. Trevor was busy with work and Rafael preferred to just be buried under the covers. 

He alternated between sleeping, crying, and feeling nauseous. Trevor would try to comfort him, be a shoulder to lean on, but he stopped sleeping in the bed they’d shared for the past two weeks. It wasn’t about doing anything sexual, usually they just held each other. But Rafael had stopped bathing so it wasn’t the most ideal anymore.

“I took a shower.” He hardly spoke above a whisper.

“Hey.” Trevor looked up from his laptop. He closed it so he could focus on Rafael. “What did you say?”

“I took a shower; a long, hot shower.”

“How did it feel?”

“I wish I could say it felt refreshing but not entirely. It feels good not to stink anymore though.”

“It smells good too.” Trevor smiled.

“I'm so sorry.” Rafael shook his head.

“You don’t have to apologize to me.”

“I hadn’t showered in about four days.” He sat down in a chair close to the couch. He ran his hair through his damp hair. “That’s disgusting.”

“It was a little gross but I'd never hold that against you. You’ve been through a lot these past few weeks. Some of it took a priority to showering.”

“Very few things should take priority over showering.” Rafael said.

“Are you hungry, Rafi? I know you haven’t eaten much in the past few days.”

“I'm not sure how much I can keep down. But I'm famished.”

“I can make you something light…maybe some egg whites and a little bacon.”

“I was thinking we could maybe go out.”

“Really?” Trevor paused as he was getting up from the couch.

In the past two weeks and some change, Rafael rarely left Trevor’s condo. The sudden death of his beloved abuelita sent him reeling. Trevor never expected to get an incoherent phone call from Rafael. He was in the Bronx and hardly knew how to get home. His grandmother was dead; he felt like it was his fault. 

He had been the one pressuring his mother, and by proxy his grandmother, to leave her third floor walkup and go into a nursing home or care facility. He was concerned about her welfare and his mom’s too. It took a lot to take care of a parent…none of this was good for either of them. Rafael thought he was doing the right thing even as he faced some resistance. As fast he got involved it was all over. 

Trevor drove from Manhattan to the Bronx to pick Rafael up. There was an awkward meeting with his mother, who though in mourning still managed to judge whatever the relationship was between the two men. Trevor just got Rafael out of there. He took him home and comforted him as he cried. He didn’t stop crying for almost two days. 

Lucia Barba called constantly, wanting and demanding things until Trevor finally had to tell her that Rafael couldn’t do it. He was falling apart and needed this time and he was sorry but he wasn’t going to push him into anything that he couldn’t handle. Trevor held his hand through the entire funeral and burial, not giving a damn what anyone in his family was whispering. Rafael skipped the repast…he didn’t have the strength to be in the house he grew up in going down memory lane. Holing up at Trevor’s condo was as close to comfortable as he could get in this situation. 

Even Olivia tried to come and see him but he couldn’t do company just yet. So Trevor was the nursemaid, shoulder to cry on, maker of lunches, and the one who sat up at 3 a.m. when Rafael couldn’t sleep and needed to talk. It wasn’t easy to balance that role and everything he was doing at his law firm but so far Trevor had managed, most of the time, to keep his eyes open. That wasn’t easy these past few days as he slept on the couch. 

Rafael couldn’t be motivated to shower and he smelled a bit troubling. So did Trevor’s sheets and blankets. He did his best to support him from out in the living room. Rafael could have the bedroom, it was fine, but eventually he'd need hot water and soap.

“I know the weather isn't ideal for an outing but I want to get some fresh air.”

“Fresh air is good. And even though it’s raining cats and dogs, the temperatures are above freezing. It’s going to be about 44 degrees today.”

“Its February, 44 degrees probably came and went.” Rafael said.

“You're right.” Trevor managed a smile. “You should probably think about changing though. While I think your outfit is awesome, you might need something more appropriate for outside.”

Rafael was dressed in dark blue flannel pajama pants, white sports socks, and one of Trevor’s sweatshirts. He was practically swimming in the sweatshirt but it made him feel safe so he didn’t care. It was a major change from the tailored to the tee clothes he usually wore.

“I can change into some jeans. The sweatshirt stays.”

“I've never been one to argue about you wearing my clothes, Rafael.” Trevor said. “Or taking them off, for that matter.”

“Thanks.”

Rafael got up from the chair and started back to the bedroom. Soon he was turning around, coming back to where Trevor stood. His ex-lover looked at him, made sure not to look down on him because he knew that made Rafael uncomfortable. But there was a nine inch height difference between them so sometimes Trevor had no choice.

“I want to thank you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Would you let me finish? I hadn’t showered for three days, and when my mind is right I'm sure I will talk to you about why you didn’t throw me in there no matter how much I was kicking and screaming. I've been sleeping in your bed, Trevor, wearing your clothes, and when I can keep it down eating your food. When abuelita died you took a week off work to care for me. I don’t want you to think I'm ever going to forget that. You’ve been the best friend to me and I could never put into words how much it means.”

“You don’t have to.”

“That’s not fair, Trevor. You give and I take; that’s not how relationships work. That’s never how I want our relationship to work.” Rafael took his hand.

“We’re best friends.” Trevor said. “When you need, I give. You do the same when I need.”

“Do I?”

“Yeah, Rafi, you do. We have different needs but I think we handle it pretty well.”

“You saved my life.” Rafael said.

“I don’t think I did that but if you do, then…you're welcome.”

“How come you never let me lavish you the way you lavish me?” Rafael shook his head. He kissed Trevor’s hand, and once again began to leave the room.

“Because I love you too much.” Trevor mumbled.

“What?”

“What, what?” he put on a smile. “C'mon, Rafi, we’re never going to get out of here if you don’t at least change into pants.”

“And when we get back, I'm going to change your sheets. You're going to sleep in your own bed tonight. It’s the least I can do.”

Trevor wasn’t quite sure that sleeping together was the best idea. Rafael had been there almost three weeks and he was getting used to having him around. Before the breakup they had been practically living together for three months. It felt like that time again, with less awkward silences and tension. He didn’t want to get used to Rafael again, as the man who wore his clothes and watched movies with him and made him breakfast sometimes. 

They were friends, best friends, but that was all. Even when they occasionally turned to each other for more intimate endeavors, it didn’t affect their friendship. But this time was different. Holding him, sharing his grief, caring for him in his darkest time…Trevor thought he might be feeling those feelings again. He'd never stopped loving Rafael and had given up trying a long time ago. 

With hard work and determination, as Trevor did with everything in his life, he was able to change most of his feelings to platonic. There were flare-ups, but he was usually able to quell them with time and a little distance. He only had one of those things since Rafael came to stay the night his grandmother died. Trevor saw Rafael naked and vulnerable so many times recently, literally and figuratively. He couldn’t make it about feelings he might be having because it wasn’t fair to either of them. 

They would never be lovers again. Trevor was sure that they'd be best friends for life though. And the time would come when someone else came and stole his heart. He'd been waiting for almost six years, missing all the good things that came with love. Dating was nice, casual flings had their moments, but love was a helluva drug. Rafael Barba was a helluva drug.

“All my jeans are dirty!” Rafael shouted from the bedroom. “How did that happen?”

“I guess we’re ordering in…and doing laundry.” Trevor smirked as he started walking toward the bedroom. “Ooh, we’re also cracking windows and spraying Febreze.”

“I am so sorry.” Rafael gave him a sheepish look. 

He was standing in the middle of Trevor’s bedroom floor in a sweatshirt and boxer shorts. He'd pulled the hamper over, which was smellier than he imagined, and saw almost all his clothes were in there. When Trevor went back to his condo to get him a few things he'd only packed about a week’s worth of clothes. Rafael was coming up on week three and wasn’t sure he felt mentally strong enough to go home and be alone yet.

“Hey, stop. Drop the pajamas in the hamper…I'm sure they need to be doused. I’ll start the laundry and you pick a place for us to order from. You know what your appetite can handle.”

“I can do that.” Rafael smiled.

“C'mere.” Trevor pulled him into his arms and wrapped his long arms around him. He wasn’t sure he was going to do that. He was sure it wouldn’t be easy to let go. “I love you.” He mumbled, kissing the top of Rafael’s still damn hair.

Rafael was mumbling something in Spanish but Trevor couldn’t quite make it out because Rafael’s face was buried in his chest. He was fluent in Spanish, as well as a few other languages, so never had a problem communicating with Rafael in his native tongue. Very little gave Trevor more joy than when Rafael needed to get something out and he needed to say it fast and furious so he went back to Spanish. Despite many cultural differences in their lives, Trevor was a German-Irish kid from New England, they still had a couple of languages and all the words that came with them in common.

“I need a cigarette.” Rafael moved away, wiping away his errant tears but knowing it was useless because Trevor had already seen them.

“You can go out on the balcony, no one can see you from up here. There's a pack in the nightstand.”

“There is?”

“Yeah, I bought them a few days ago when you were pretty low. I don’t think you’ve smoked them all…please don’t tell me you smoked them all.”

“No,” Rafael shook his head. “I didn’t even remember you bought them. You don’t like cigarettes.”

“I don’t really.”

“And you don’t like when I smoke.”

“True.” Trevor nodded.

“Te amo tanto. (1)” Rafael put his hand over his heart. “Gracias por todos. (2)”

“De nada. Go.” Trevor smiled and pointed toward the balcony.

He walked across the room and grabbed the laundry hamper. Rafael went to the nightstand, opened the drawer, and sure enough there were a pack of Marlboro Milds. He took one and followed Trevor out to the living room where the balcony was. He was 15 floors above Chelsea. It was a chilly, rainy evening so Rafael couldn’t see much outside. 

This time of year it got dark quickly. The winter cold cut through his sweatshirt but he mostly ignored it. The cigarette made him feel even hungrier, which was a good sign. There hadn’t been much eating over the past week and often Rafael would be nauseous and had even vomited after eating. A part of him was craving steak but knew his stomach couldn’t handle it. 

Wonton soup might be nice though, maybe add some brown rice for more substance. Gripping the wet banister and sighing, Rafael thought about Trevor. His mind felt like a puzzle scattered across a table. It was hard to put together thoughts and then articulate them like he wanted to. He wasn’t going to be able to hide out forever. 

The EADA knew that Rafael was taking 30 days to mourn and take care of family business. He hadn’t taken that kind of time off since he started working for the DA’s office in the Bronx. The time would come to return to the real world and all the harshness that came with it. Rafael Barba would be a changed man when he did. He'd never handled change well. Most people didn’t but he was much worse than most.

“Hey,” Trevor poked his head out onto the balcony. “How does Chinese sound?”

“You're reading my mind. I was thinking about wonton soup and brown rice.”

“Alright. Don’t stay out here too long, you'll catch cold.”

“Si, mami.”

“You're not funny.” Trevor pointed at him.

“I'm witty and adorable and you know it.”

Trevor laughed and left him to his thoughts. He hoped to get Rafael to eat, watch something on TV that would calm him and hopefully not cry, and then he would sleep on clean sheets. Trevor still wasn’t sure where he would sleep tonight but it would be sounder than the past few days had been.

***

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I love you so much.  
> 2\. Thank you for everything.


End file.
